By: Jimmy Morefield
Have you experienced the fear of your laundry evaporating because all of the drying machines are being used? Of course you have! Well, fear no longer. Our Supreme Leader Steve and the rest of MSA’s Keller administration have brought our clothes salvation. Under new policies recently passed in the RA congress, the consequences for impeding the means of laundry production have been severely harshened. The new laws require that all loads of laundry be registered with the newly appointed General Secretary of the Laundry Room, Spencer. Any unregistered loads discovered (and Spencer will find them) will result in immediate disciplinary action more severe than the punishment for contact sports. Furthermore, any scholar who leaves their completed laundry in the machine longer than the time it takes Spencer to yell, “SCHOLAR!” will be immediately sentenced to ten years hard labour in the MSA gift shop, commonly referred to as the “Mizzou-lag”. Nobody ever returns from the gift shop. Ever. In response to questioning about the heightened policies, many scholars supported the move such as scholar Owen D’Amour who said he is “completely on board with the idea” and believes “measures like this need to be taken.” Another scholar, James Jura, supported even stricter regulations suggesting, “Anyone who uses a dryer at all should get life in the “Mizzou-lag.” At this time, the effects of the new laws are unknown, but obviously this is the best and only reasonable solution to the growing laundry room crisis.
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